I dont know what to call this

Tonight, because I chose not to do anything that would surely stress me out (grant/scholarship hunting or replying to work-related emails), I found myself reading other people's blogs.  These people are my friends who are roughly my age, and I found it interesting and entertaining to read about their triumphs and woes. Especially interesting and entertaining, though, was reading the old blog of an older friend of mine, which was her blog when she was my age and when we weren't friends yet. Because of that, I got a glimpse of who she was before who she is today - stable and laid back - and mehn, solid drama. As in D-R-A-M-A, drama. 

And then I thought about the other blogs I read, and I realised they were full of drama, too. Angst, anger, regret, fulfilment, joy, conviction.  Then, I thought to myself, "What's up with all the emotions?" And then it hit me: shit, I haven't been in touch with my emotions since God knows when.  

Flashback to some Philosophy class. Gabriel Marcel. Sudden break in one's everydayness. Like a man who suddenly got fever and lies in bed restless searching for the right position. Metaphysical unease. 

It's not like I'm hiding anything, cos honestly, there hasn't been anything to hide. There hasn't been anything to hide because there wasn't anything to feel and to be ashamed of and therefore, hide. And for that I am ashamed. 

Sure, I've been through some rough times, but I always dismissed them as, well, dismiss-able.  Being a listener has always been my role in friendships and because of that, I know of others troubles and always, they are graver than mine. More worthy to discuss. More worthy to wallow in. And the fact doesn't help that practically everyone is better at articulating their feelings than I am. Thus, they speak, I listen. And ask questions.

I have acquired a knack for asking the right questions. Sapol is the first word that comes to describe it. Straight to the heart. And I don't do it to make the other person uncomfortable. Believe it or not, I actually do it with the sincerest intention of helping. Questions elicit answers and answers pave the road to clarity after all. 

Anyway, since I'm listening to nothing but the sound of my typing fingers and no one but my thoughts (yes I'm referring to my thoughts as wholly different being for now), I'll probably try this Socratic method on myself for a change.

Flashback to some corny joke in some Philosophy class again to demonstrate an absurdity. If Atlas carries the world, who carries Atlas? A turtle. Who carries that turtle? Another turtle. Who carries THAT turtle? Why, it's turtles all the way down! Infinite regress... 

Q: What do you feel right now?

A: Nothing

Q: What do you feel about that, feeling nothing?

A: Nothing

Q: And what does that say about you?

A: Nothing.

Infinite regress nga. Absurd nga.

...but the series must end, or should I say, start with something. All existence, for instance, must have had a beginning. A creator. A first cause.

Q: What do you feel right now?

A: Nothing

Q: What do you feel about that, feeling nothing?

A: Pathetic

Q: Why do you feel pathetic?

A: Because I didn't always feel nothing. I used to be feel something...all the time. And I blabbed about it. Reflected about it. Wrote about it. 

Q: What changed?

A: I changed. I stopped writing...and that was my avenue to gather my thoughts and emotions into something understandable; it was venue for reflection. So yeah, stopped reflecting, stopped blabbing. Eventually, stopped feeling I guess. Quit the whole thing.

Q: Quit the whole thing for what?

A: As Antoine de Saint Exupery so eloquently put, "..matters of consequence!"

Q: Dont give me some quotation. What do you mean?

A: Matters of consequence! You know, the corny adult stuff. Work. Errands. Responsibilities... 

Tsk tsk tsk.

A: ..the only emotion I think I've let in is..haha..hatred. See previous blog entry. That was written at the height of my hatred towards DP. See facebook note about hating the whole service industry. That was written after I got pissed like hell. Jesus H Christ. I really should let other emotions in....


Amen.