On endings

Of all the things I love-hate the most, it's endings. I hate endings because of the sense of foreboding and out-of-this-world level of anxiety it brings. But I love it because almost always, it turns out to be anti-climactic, relief replaces the foreboding and anxiety ("it's not so bad after all"), and then we move on to the next chapter. Breaking up is such a case. Graduating, getting a job, and then changing jobs, too. I'm pretty sure moving to another country will be the same, but now I'm still in the hate part of it. 


Leaving is 7 months away. Half of me wants to postpone it for a year or two. The other half just wants to go the airport, hop on a plane, and go.


[I'm supposed to be looking for grants / scholarships and accommodation, but I can't concentrate on anything because of this foreboding and anxiety shit.]

All for the wrong reasons, yeah!

Exhibit A:

I'm voting for Noynoy Aquino in the coming presidential elections. The thing is I don't think he is the best choice from among the candidates, but I'm voting for him because he's leading in the surveys and Manny Villar, who comes second, I hate with a passion; so voting for Noynoy is my own little way of helping Villar NOT win. 

Exhibit B:

I'm leaving for Edinburgh to get an MBA in a couple of months. The thing is I don't really want an MBA. What do I want? I have no idea, but that's not the point. The MBA is nice-sounding excuse for me to get away from it all - my family, my comfort zone, life as I currently live it. And since I got accepted by my dream school in my dream place, why the hell not?

Wishful outcomes:

1. That Villar does not win. (PLEASE, GOD, PLEASE)

2. That I find myself.

If the outcomes come true, then everything is justified. 

In September, I shall be in...

...the land of festivals...film, music, literature, art!

                of cobbled streets, labyrinths, and closes

                of mountain, castle, and sea

                                              all in one city...

...the home of Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde

                  of Trainspotting

                  of Harry Potter

...the best source of whiskey!            

In September, I shall be in Edinburgh!

The only one who used to play it

The piano sits solemnly, awkwardly, silently
pondering perhaps its continued presence
in a house where the only one
who used to play it does not touch it anymore,
at all.

Silenced,
yet it still plays volumes of melancholic tunes
that remind the only one who used to play it
that it once was a source of joy, of sadness, of everything!
It was youth, it was promise, it was solace!

Now reduced to a furniture piece,
it is an elephant in the room.
Shunned and unappreciated and nothing but a symbol
of what used to be
what the only one who used to play it
loved and let go.

I dont know what to call this

Tonight, because I chose not to do anything that would surely stress me out (grant/scholarship hunting or replying to work-related emails), I found myself reading other people's blogs.  These people are my friends who are roughly my age, and I found it interesting and entertaining to read about their triumphs and woes. Especially interesting and entertaining, though, was reading the old blog of an older friend of mine, which was her blog when she was my age and when we weren't friends yet. Because of that, I got a glimpse of who she was before who she is today - stable and laid back - and mehn, solid drama. As in D-R-A-M-A, drama. 

And then I thought about the other blogs I read, and I realised they were full of drama, too. Angst, anger, regret, fulfilment, joy, conviction.  Then, I thought to myself, "What's up with all the emotions?" And then it hit me: shit, I haven't been in touch with my emotions since God knows when.  

Flashback to some Philosophy class. Gabriel Marcel. Sudden break in one's everydayness. Like a man who suddenly got fever and lies in bed restless searching for the right position. Metaphysical unease. 

It's not like I'm hiding anything, cos honestly, there hasn't been anything to hide. There hasn't been anything to hide because there wasn't anything to feel and to be ashamed of and therefore, hide. And for that I am ashamed. 

Sure, I've been through some rough times, but I always dismissed them as, well, dismiss-able.  Being a listener has always been my role in friendships and because of that, I know of others troubles and always, they are graver than mine. More worthy to discuss. More worthy to wallow in. And the fact doesn't help that practically everyone is better at articulating their feelings than I am. Thus, they speak, I listen. And ask questions.

I have acquired a knack for asking the right questions. Sapol is the first word that comes to describe it. Straight to the heart. And I don't do it to make the other person uncomfortable. Believe it or not, I actually do it with the sincerest intention of helping. Questions elicit answers and answers pave the road to clarity after all. 

Anyway, since I'm listening to nothing but the sound of my typing fingers and no one but my thoughts (yes I'm referring to my thoughts as wholly different being for now), I'll probably try this Socratic method on myself for a change.

Flashback to some corny joke in some Philosophy class again to demonstrate an absurdity. If Atlas carries the world, who carries Atlas? A turtle. Who carries that turtle? Another turtle. Who carries THAT turtle? Why, it's turtles all the way down! Infinite regress... 

Q: What do you feel right now?

A: Nothing

Q: What do you feel about that, feeling nothing?

A: Nothing

Q: And what does that say about you?

A: Nothing.

Infinite regress nga. Absurd nga.

...but the series must end, or should I say, start with something. All existence, for instance, must have had a beginning. A creator. A first cause.

Q: What do you feel right now?

A: Nothing

Q: What do you feel about that, feeling nothing?

A: Pathetic

Q: Why do you feel pathetic?

A: Because I didn't always feel nothing. I used to be feel something...all the time. And I blabbed about it. Reflected about it. Wrote about it. 

Q: What changed?

A: I changed. I stopped writing...and that was my avenue to gather my thoughts and emotions into something understandable; it was venue for reflection. So yeah, stopped reflecting, stopped blabbing. Eventually, stopped feeling I guess. Quit the whole thing.

Q: Quit the whole thing for what?

A: As Antoine de Saint Exupery so eloquently put, "..matters of consequence!"

Q: Dont give me some quotation. What do you mean?

A: Matters of consequence! You know, the corny adult stuff. Work. Errands. Responsibilities... 

Tsk tsk tsk.

A: ..the only emotion I think I've let in is..haha..hatred. See previous blog entry. That was written at the height of my hatred towards DP. See facebook note about hating the whole service industry. That was written after I got pissed like hell. Jesus H Christ. I really should let other emotions in....


Amen.

An ode to a former boss

(unearthed from the deep recesses of a formal email account...hahaha hate can be such an inspiration)


He speaks with an air of indifference, 
his force field to mask a grave lack of intelligence, 
or better yet, an undeniable absence.

He walks the slippery surface of irrelevant existence,
He is the immaterial, the out-of-context, the joke,
The subject of malicious gossip, 
the object of unfathomable hate.

He acts out of personal interest,
His praises to others: fabricated, feigned, forced,
for the only one whom he thinks deserves accolades, 
is his sorry self.

“I am an ex-Intel bitch” is embedded in his forehead.

“I am the epitome of asshole-ness” is etched in his soul.                       

Imagining Mirador

A friend told me of this place called the Mirador Jesuit Villa. It's situated on one of the highest points in Baguio.  I heard the whole place itself is idyllic and the views from it are picturesque as well. I heard it's the perfect place for solitude...for thinking. I heard it was THE destination to 'get away from it all.'

I wanna go, I wanna go, I wanna go!

It's not like I'm experiencing problems or am in the midst of a conflict -either with myself or others. But how the whole experience of being in a beautiful place with no one and nothing else but my thoughts appeals to me!

I'm always occupied: with work, with pastimes, with family, with friends. And these aren't bad things to spend time on, but how fun it would be to just get away for a while...for just a couple of days...

HAAAAY....now if only I could find the time...

First attempt at [real] fiction

You don't know what true sadness is until you experience the cheesy airport scene. Mine was on a gloomier than usual January day at London Heathrow. I was leaving, for good, for now. The new year has just set in, and finally I was getting out. Off to America I was. Off to New York to a new job, a new environment, a new life. When I got the email from the United Nations informing me that I bagged the job, I was ecstatic! But on the day I was actually leaving, there at the airport saying goodbye to the person I loved the most, I knew what true sadness was...and it ripped my heart apart.

The flight was to take 7 hours and 45 minutes. That gave me 7 hours and 45 minutes to ponder our parting words. "We can make it work," we assured ourselves, "that's what cellphones and laptops are for."

(to be continued kasi inaantok nako...)

My most priced possession...

...digitally remastered in stereo for superior sound quality. 

All albums feature deluxe packaging with expanded booklets including rare photographs and notes. 

It also has Past Masters, a 2-CD collection of non-album singles and EP tracks. 

It also has the Mini Documentaries DVD, featuring 13 mini documentaries about the making of each album in the words of The Beatles themselves and George Martin, containing rare footage and previously unheard dialogue.

<3 <3 <3

Resolutions...

1. Reflect. Think. Write it down if it helps. They say over-thinking leads to paralysis. But not thinking at all just keeps you stuck in limbo, which I think is worse. In a state of paralysis, at least you have your thoughts. In limbo, you have nothing, and you're floating in nothingness.

2. Sleep by 1 am at the latest to be able to wake up by 7 am at the latest to be able to be really productive. Remember that noon marks the day half done, and so must your tasks be.

3. There will always be grey areas, but that doesn't permit you to not pick a stand. And don't take so long to choose. Usually, the first instinct is the better choice.

4. Pay for your own ticket. Avoid asking favours. This will leave you with dignity and less strings attached.

5. Don't just meet expectations. Exceed them. This is the true mark of excellence.

6. Do not bite more than you can chew. Manage your resources and live within your means. Credit cards are one of the world's oldest and most successful scams. So just use them for emergencies and fixed overheads.

7. What other people think about you does not matter. What you think about yourself does.

8. Right and wrong are the easiest things to distinguish. Do the right and do the good to the best of your abilities always.

9. Discipline is one of the most difficult values to maintain. But strive for it (gym leche gym. 3x a week at least. you gained during the holidays all that youve lost in 4 months. crap)

10. In case of doubt, don't.